Boobs

What a week for boobs. Boobs that are too big, boobs that are too small. But are there any boobs that are just right? First there was all this online muttering about Kate Hudson, and did she get breast implants? From pics you’d assume she did, but just a bit of implant. A mini-implant. A mimplant? Then Sharon Osbourne announced that she was having her breast implants removed and made into paperweights for Ozzy’s desk. The shocker about that one? OZZY HAS A DESK. What does he do there? What kind of papers could he possibly have flying around that need to be weighted down? Tax information? Monthly bills from his tattoo artist? Hilarious. And finally, there’s “Lane’s Secret.” ABC and Fox apparently refused to air a lingerie ad for Lane Bryant’s Cacique featuring gorgeous model Ashley Graham in her Barely Theres. Too much skin, they said. Too much cleavage. Well, bless those marketing geniuses over at LB who as of this posting have almost a million hits on that ad on You Tube, nonstop press coverage, and a promise to air the ad during the last 10 minutes of next week’s American Idol, which is the primo ad space on all of prime time television. And call us crazy, but we wouldn’t have even noticed the ad was for plus-size lingerie, based on Ashley’s va-va-voom and the ad’s (intentional) likeness to a Victoria’s Secret spot. Plus, we really like that magenta balcony number. Not your mother’s lingerie, indeed!

Britney Spears, Humanitarian?

Britney Spears pulled off a major act of humanitarianism this week. Not opening a school in Africa, or adopting an orphanage’s worth of underprivileged kids, but revealing the photographs from her Candies ads before they’d been retouched. So we can compare and contrast. She looks so damn good, it’s hard to figure out what needs to get touched up anyway. Does a waist one inch smaller really sell more pairs of shoes? It was apparently also news this week that makeup ads are considerably altered. That’s right, they use extensions in shampoo ads and false eyelashes on celebs to advertise mascara that has the superhuman power to grow lashes 3x the size of yours in a matter of seconds. Welcome to the world of advertising. Even the juicy burger you see in a restaurant ad is sprayed with oil to look juicier. The whipped cream someone licks off an ice cream sundae? Sometimes it’s shaving cream. It just looks better (but it definitely tastes worse).

This isn’t (necessarily) evil. People who send out baby announcements and re-touched the baby. It’s the way of the digital world. But we have to remember that what we see ISN’T NECESSARILY REAL. There’s barely an image in a mag, online or on the big screen that hasn’t been manipulated in some way. You can change a moving image pixel by pixel, even on live television. Just try to remember that the next time you’re tempted to look at Britney’s tiny tush and sigh.

Watchers Watch

Finally caught the new Weight Watchers ad campaign spots featuring Jennifer Hudson. A few thoughts: first of all, J-Hud looks frickin’ fantastic. So fantastic, in fact, that it’s almost impossible to believe her new figure is not somehow enhanced by surgical intervention, Photoshop, and/or extreme shapewear. Not to say she isn’t doing W.W., or losing weight with diet and exercise, it’s just that…losing that much weight, such a dramatic change to her figure just eight months after giving birth…it’s positively Gisele-ian! No accusations, just observations.

We have to give props to Weight Watchers for appearing to be light-years ahead of their competitors in terms of image. All those commercials and print ad featuring actresses posing in bathing suits seem so 1980s. Like, “We’re cool Marie/Valerie/Sara, you can go back to step aerobics now.” Miz Hudson looks very contemporary and sleek, and we liked seeing her in clothes rather than out of them. But what really makes her rock is not her size, but her shape. MOST EXCELLENT FASHION STYLING. Tight, fitted jeans, a jacket that nips in at the waist, cool boots, a pop of color. There’s not a curvy figure va-va-vooming down the block that wouldn’t look damn sleek and sexy working those shapes.

(photo credit: wireimage)

Saturday Night Wow

What MAJOR news earlier this week that Gabourey Sidibe will be hosting Saturday Night Live on April 24th (only outshadowed by the news that the Facebook campaign to make 88-year old Betty White a host succeeded!). We have often complained that the forceful or curvy women they dramatize on the show – Oprah, Whoopi, Joy Behar, etc. – are played by dudes. Part of this is about desexualizing them – how could a plus-size woman be sexy, Lorne Michaels must wonder? – and the other part is that THEY’VE NEVER CAST A PLUS SIZE WOMAN IN THE 35-YEAR HISTORY OF THE SHOW. Always a fat dude (Belushi, Farley, etc.), but never a non-string bean girl. We’re curious to see what kind of roles Gabby will play – we have no doubt she’ll bring her trademark vivaciousness and talent to each one. But when they do a Precious parody (eek, the thought gives us bad taste chills), they’ll probably have Kenan Thompson play Mo’Nique. Note to executive producer Lorne Michaels, who reportedly told superstar Tina Fey that she couldn’t get on air until she got on Weight Watchers: Time to cast a girl with curves. And note to Howard Stern, who said that Gabby wouldn’t get work in Hollywood due to her size: Suck it.